Becoming an Unapologetic Girl's Girl

How I went from "I just don't get along with other girls," to Building a Community of Badass Women

Photo by Luke Porter on Unsplash

Back in 2013, I was living in England and found myself at a child’s birthday party with a newish boyfriend. The party took place in someone’s home, and a crowd of at least 20 people gathered in the living room. I felt overwhelmed by the amount of people, and especially the noise of the children running through excitedly, and babies crying. I quickly took refuge in the garage where the men were hanging out, chatting, and drinking beers. I had just separated from the Air Force after spending my four-year enlistment overseas in the UK. By that time, I was most comfortable around men. While I worked in an office of both men and women, I mostly gravitated towards the dudes. I felt like they were easier to get along with, and I didn’t feel that there were as many social “rules.” Plus, I found myself in mean-girl situations quite often. With women ridiculing how I did my makeup, slut shaming me, and always asking why I was so “dressed up.” 

Let’s rewind: When I arrived in England in 2009, I anxiously attended an introductory course that was meant to help me make friends and integrate into military life. When I walked into the classroom, I noticed a tall blonde with beautiful blue eyes. She was fidgeting and giggling which told me she was just as nervous as I was, and we became fast friends. We were best friends for the first few years of our tour - inseparable. I still have our matching tattoo on my wrist, and I think of her every time I look at it. But after some time it became apparent that I didn’t know how to be a good friend to her. Although I’d grown up in circles of girls, I often found myself cast out. I didn’t understand why at the time, but I now know a large part of it came from how critical and judgmental I could be out of jealousy and insecurity. Sadly, I projected those same insecurities onto Sheri, and she ended the friendship. So by the time I showed up at this party in 2013, I was salty. I watched the women in the living room bond and thought, “Ugh, I could never be like that. I just don’t get along with girls.” 

Fast forward to 2016. By that point, I’d moved to Vegas with the boyfriend from the party (who later ended up being my husband, and soon-to-be ex-husband, but that’s an entirely different story). After leaving the military, I became obsessive about lifting weights, eating “clean,” and overall trying to achieve a specific fit aesthetic (think back to the IG Fitspo days). My entire personality revolved around those three things, and my days felt entirely rigid. I attempted to make female friends, but once again it didn’t last, and I didn’t understand why. I was pushing these women away because all I could talk about was food and working out while judging their choices around those things.

Thankfully, it all came to a breaking point and I began to heal my relationship with food and my body. I was learning all about holistic health, and surprisingly a big aspect of it includes relationships. I started to look into the importance of having bonds with other women, and girl time, and I learned tangible tips on how to make (and keep) friends. Through online health coaching school, I met a woman named Maggie. She happened to live three minutes away, and she invited me to a women’s brunch at her home on a Sunday. I was SO nervous and didn’t know how I would handle being surrounded by a group of powerful women. 

I showed up to Maggie’s and was greeted by a spread of all the best brunch foods - french toast, eggs, fruit. The outdoor table was set up beautifully, and there were carafes of juice among buckets of ice filled with champagne. I sat out with Maggie and these women for hours, sharing stories dreams, and aspirations. I’d never felt so inspired by, or connected to other women. After everyone left, I sat and bonded with Maggie until midnight. She and I remained close friends and spent time together often. Although I left Vegas in early 2021, we’re still in touch. She was one of the first women to show me the importance of being a “girl’s girl,” and I’ve never looked back. 

Maggie, Myself, and her Brunch Setup

So what does it even mean to be a “girl’s girl?” Does it mean we only respect women, and we hate on men? Do we have to unfailingly support each other, even when we’re in the wrong? And also - what can we do to celebrate and show up for the women in our lives? Those are questions I had, so I did some research.

Like anything that becomes trendy on social media, the term “girl’s girl” comes with a loaded understanding. So I want to share how I define it based on my understanding combined with some research I’ve done. According to this article, the most basic definition is “women who support and appreciate their connections with other women.” And I can get behind that. It means celebrating women in general, even if you don’t know them personally. Cheering them on, inspiring them to be their best selves, lovingly calling them out, and being there to listen and empathize during challenging times (or even just embarrassing moments). I can’t even begin to tell you how seen I feel by my girlfriends - especially when we have those couch bonding moments filled with wine and “me toos.” Those are the moments that heal my soul. 

Another important thing I’ve learned about being a girl’s girl is having the mentality that there’s enough to go around. In the past, if I felt that another woman looked better than me, I immediately felt jealous. Sometimes, that jealousy caused me to act out in ways that didn’t reflect who I am. For example, I would work double time to find a flaw in her and point it out. Or I’d make assumptions about the type of person she is based on how she looked. Now? I think to myself, “Get it, girl” and I silently praise her and send her love. All that took was a simple shift in mentality and a mantra I shared in my Body Acceptance book. Her beauty doesn’t take away from my own. I think we could all benefit from recognizing that celebrating other’s wins is how we build ourselves up, too. There is plenty to go around. 

“Her beauty doesn’t take away from my own.” -Lauren Kepler (From Body Acceptance)

So does being a girl’s girl mean that you must be a man hater? Not at all. How hypocritical would it be to call out the importance of uplifting one group, while choosing to put down another? I believe in approaching all human interactions with empathy and the belief that we are all doing the best we can with what we know (thank you, Dr. Brene Brown). We can and should call out toxic behavior coming from any person, regardless of how they identify. And that means holding each other accountable in our female friendships, too. When I first moved to Okinawa, I made friends with a group of women. Long story short, a few of the women had issues with things I said or did. Unfortunately, none of them confronted me about it. Instead, they changed their behavior toward me and iced me out. When I asked about it, everyone said that things were fine and I’d done nothing wrong. It wasn’t until months later that one of the women confronted me with a long list of things I’d messed up according to their perspective. After a long conversation, we concluded that most of it was based on misunderstanding (I’ve since learned that being neurodivergent comes with its own set of challenges when it comes to friendship). If the others would have just been honest with me about how they felt, we could have resolved it. I had immense respect for the one person who was willing to have that uncomfortable conversation with me, and I will always appreciate her for that. 

I know it’s terrifying to confront our friends. I’m guilty of holding off on having tough conversations out of fear of how the other person will react. But being a good friend requires honesty, and being a true girl’s girl means understanding that we owe each other just that. But beyond that, one of the best parts of womanhood is celebrating each other. I show up for my friends by being present for them, listening without judgment when they need me, and having fun nights out. If you do, too - you’re doing a great job! That said, if you’re looking for ways to go above and beyond for your girlies, I’ve asked ChatGPT for advice, and here’s what it said: 

1. Express gratitude and recognition: Write personalized notes or letters to let them know how much they mean to you and the impact they’ve had on your life | Publicly acknowledge their achievements and efforts, whether it’s in a family gathering, on social media, or within your community. 

2. Spend quality time: Organize a special outing or activity they enjoy, such as brunch, movie night, or a spa day. Dedicate time to meaningful conversations where they feel heard and valued. 

3. Gift thoughtfully: Choose gifts that reflect their interests or needs, such as books, jewelry, or experiences (e.g., tickets to a concert or event | Create something handmade, like a scrapbook, photo album, or personalized playlist.)

This year’s upcoming Galentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to spend some time celebrating your friends! If you don’t know what it is, it’s a non-official holiday that gained popularity after being featured on Parks and Rec in 2010. It takes place on February 13th every year (the day before Valentine’s Day), and is a great excuse to get together with your girls for brunch, gift exchanges, movie dates, or whatever. I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day so it’ll be a good opportunity for me to show some love to the women who make my life what it is. 

Now I’m curious to know - what are your thoughts on womanhood? Do you consider yourself a girl’s girl? Did your understanding of the term change after reading this? What are the biggest challenges you face in female friendships? What’s your favorite part about your friendships with women? Answer any or all of these questions below, or come connect with me on Instagram @laurenmkepler. I’d love to hear from you! 

Love always, 

Lauren